GUTTERBALLS (version 2.0)
Your home for irreverent banter, half-truths, and outright lies — Summer '21 edition
Past Bull Sheet
Golf Outing & EOY Dinner
The originally scheduled 2021 golf outing was a washout, as thunderstorms that may or may not have ever materialized nixed the original plan, which resulted in a FAR tamer end of the year dinner than in years past.
At said dinner, Vin Tarney outdid himself yet again, providing some absolutely delicious pulled pork and some top-notch Italian hotdogs... accompanied by some primo Nicolo's rolls. The night wasn't without controversy, however, as whomever (whoever?) updated the PowerPoint presentation failed to remove the graphic depicting the steak, and some cranky traditionalists left disappointed, while the rest of us left amused at how anyone could trash that pork (AKA proof that god loves us and wants us to be happy)
Save for opening the June board meeting, this was Boh's last hurrah as president, with Rick Montalto taking over. Some may miss Boh, but it is highly doubtful that Boh will miss his position. We would say 'thank you for your years of service'... but we all know that CC president is a thankless position. Good Luck Rick!!!
Golf Outing (2nd Try)
False Start (on mother nature) five yard penalty, replay 1st down
Though the handful that had scheduling conflicts may disagree, the weather delay turned out to be a blessing in disguise, as the day was about as perfect for golf as we could've possibly hoped for. Perfect temperature; nice breeze; cold beers; strippers tending the pins... what's not to love? The only curious part was when our hosts decided to play loud dance music on the patio during the post golf cocktail hour. Pretty sure that they were trying to get us to leave, but we (as evidenced by the picture above) aren't ones to take hints!
We had a few teams tied at even par, hitting the goal of golf right on the nose. There were so many of these groups that the outing's dictator refused any of them prize money. Instead, the money was split between two groups of huge losers that finished a full 6 strokes away from that magic par number. Clearly someone here was missing the point. Craig "Money" Mohr, his cousin-in-law clients Erik "Another McMahon" Gaul and Sam "Future Member" Dawson, and Brett "The Hitman" Muney — along with Mike "The Putter" Cosgrove — drew even with the fearsome foursome of Alex "I'd Host But Rock Springs Hates Me" Comini, Paul "The Good Version" Schwern, Jim "How Do I Putt Up With These Guys" Haussman, and Bert "Please Come To Summer Bowling" Vecchiarelli.
Young Tim Reilly nearly won the long drive but failed a pee test, handing the honor to Craig, with president emeritus McMahon earning the long drive among those long in the tooth. John Anderson won closest to the hole; if you can still get close to the hole at 70 (happy birthday JFX), you're doing something right!
Featured Bull Sheet
2020-2021 BOWLING CHAMPIONSHIP
What do you get when you cross a few Toucans, an Owl, a Yardbird, a Raptor, an Emu (and some contraband)?
THE 2020-2021 COMMONWEALTH CLUB BOWLING CHAMPS!!!
The COVID Bowling season was an almost unfathomable success (especially when compared to literally everything else COVID related). Solid attendance (check). Bowlers paying their fees (check). ZERO outbreaks (check). An exciting playoffs (check). Someone forced to take an extended bowling hiatus midway through the season (but allowed to return for the playoffs... #shots) because his wife started whining about such trivial items like “I’m in the 3rd trimester” and “I’m worried about the health of your infant son” (check... please). Luckily, we have a vaccine now, and the official Commonwealth Club policy* is “get your shot or GTFO!”
*Statement above in no way reflects any official policy of the Commonwealth Club (at least at the time of this writing. Stay tuned!)
After starting with a 13-week trial run through January, the captains of the makeshift league of daring vagabonds almost unanimously (the Wild Turkeys passed TF out and the Condors merged with the Herons, electing to hyphenate their name in a touching shout out to feminism rarely seen within our walls…) voted to extend the season through May. When May arrived, the previously established playoff format (which someone had spent an exorbitant amount of time on… but that same someone’s team wouldn’t have made the playoffs under the original format… conspiracy???) was unceremoniously thrown out in favor of an all-inclusive kinder-kickers-esque format where everybody makes the playoffs, rendering the entire regular season essentially useless… (or perhaps rendering it nothing more than a 26-week sandbagging session? So many conspiracy theories!). This inclusivity push (rumored to be clandestinely sponsored by AOC and Bernie Sanders) was spearheaded by The Eagles, though, when reached for comment, Joe Walsh’s publicist insisted that band had nothing to do with it and that Joe didn’t give a shit (despite the club being located in his hometown). As Doug Abell, who grew up with him, never said “He always was an obnoxious prick.” Some Septuagenarian tried to pin it on John Anderson, but seriously, how can someone in that age bracket get Yes and the Eagles confused? Early onset Alzheimer’s… SAD!
On the left side, the Eagles/Yes and their 55 regular season points quickly bowed out after securing their one bonus week of bowling, and the Loons either easily defeated or barely squeaked by the Gulls (nobody could be bothered to find out which). Meanwhile, on the right side, the clearly terrified Gamecocks tried a last-minute push to make the playoff rounds best of 5… then best of 7… then best of 9… then best of “whatever odd number it takes for us to win” … but their ploy was quickly shut down. Soon after, they were shut down. For the season. By the last place team. That shouldn't've even been there. That they were (again) quite clearly afraid of. With good reason. Overall, the 1st round was a bad one for male genitalia, as the Peckers (who finished 1-point ahead of the Hyphens, who also shouldn't've been there) joined the Cocks in having their seasons circumcised... err… cut short by the lower seeded team. On the other hand, the more feminine-themed teams — the Boobies, Condor-Herons, and Loons — all joined the team of misfits in advancing to the second round.
As the playoffs entered their mid-life stage, the Boobies sagged while the Loons went nuts, propelling the underdogs into the finals. After the Hyphens notched a decisive victory in game 1 despite Mikey Mutz's... umm… eclectic? (Yeah, let’s go with that)… playlist, it was looking beak (groan) for the T-Sams in game 2, until the Condor-Herons went ICE COLD over the last 2+ frames, snatching defeat from the jaws of near-certain victory. Though there was still a game left, the air had clearly left the Heron-Condor's sails (and not even Warren Zevon — granted, an interesting choice of motivational music — could get them going again), and the Sams, for the second straight week, rallied from losing the first game to score a decisive game three victory. There was some controversy as to whether the POBC had disqualified the winners after their scores email somehow managed to test positive for highly elevated levels of THC, but that snafu was quickly cleared up with a well placed bribe.
There was some brief consideration regarding broadcasting the finals over the internet via Zoom, but it was quickly realized how fantastically bad of an idea that was on every conceivable level, and the plan was promptly scrapped. In said finals, Rick Montalto needed to convert a 3-6-10 spare to win game one for the Loons, but he picked the 3-pin clean (then immediately proceeded to resign from the board of trustees, threw his name in the presidential hat, and took control of the club... possibly in an effort to rewrite the history books?), and a thoroughly mediocre game across the board went to the Fruit Loops. The Fruits played a bit crappier in their second game, but the Loons played a LOT crappier, and a team that wouldn’t’ve been there if not for some 11th hour assistance from some 70’s front-man had won it all... on the strength of a series of well times hoots and hollers that were in NO way shape or form meant to mock any other team’s antics. True Story.
It was universally agreed that, since this was an exceptional season, that the champs weren’t eligible for a traditional bowling prize. Instead, a mural of tasteful nudes of each of their eight participants has been commissioned for the far wall of the alley, with the plant of their choice subtly covering up their nether regions. McMahon is going with a 4-leaf clover, Avi a pomegranate, Craig a tobacco leaf, Tripp a fig leaf, Boh some hops, Rick some Caesar grapes, Weill some ivy, and guess what plant Cosgrove picked? All in all this season was more than we ever could've hoped for when we decided to give it a go in September, but we're really looking forward to being back to a semblance of normal come the fall...
But if you can't wait all the way until September to scratch your year+ long itch... there's Summer Bowling!!!
Future Bull Sheet
Summer Bowling — Every Wednesday — All Summer
The first two weeks of summer bowling were attended by exactly the number of people as points that Ben Simmons scored over the last 3 games of the 76ers/Hawks series combined (hint: if it was a person, it could barely buy cigarettes but definitely not legally drink), but let's be honest: summer doesn't REALLY start until after the 4th of July holiday (or at least until schools are out).
Just as the Euro 2020 is going on now and the 2020 Summer Olympics are a few weeks away, it has been proposed by the wisest of club members that the precedent for holding the 2020 Melville, Turkey Shoot, and Endurance contests has been set. We'd hoped that details for the specifics of those events would be finalized at the time of this publishing, but, well, you know, the board... not exactly known for efficient decision making. This page will be updated once said dates are finalized and (one of many reasons that digital > print) we will all pretend that the previous sentences never existed... (it will also be edited accordingly if this doesn't happen; either way...) please don't take any screenshots.
WEDNESDAYS AT 8 PM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! $20 a head. Food? Provided. Cold fridges for the beer you bring yourself? Provided. 2 Games of Bowling? Provided. Prize money for the winers? Provided. Fake doctor's note for your wife? Available upon request! Bring friends! They need not be members or even come equipped with a penis!
ComStock (Our Woodstock)
Like the initial Woodstock, the initial Commonwealth Club Woodstock, AKA ComStock (and not to be confused with a celebration of Soviet culture), was a huge hit, so we figured what better way to kick off the post COVID era? We all know full well that any attempts to recreate a Woodstock experience are ALWAYS good ideas!
We were REALLY hoping that included in this space would be the link to buy tickets to the event would be live here, but our webmasters are apparently about as efficient as our board of trustees is. You know where you can get advance tickets...? SUMMER BOWLING!!! #Synergy
Welcome New Members!
Fourth of July Parade
We'd also hope to announce here the plans for the 4th of July Parade, but this one isn't our fault!!! Montclair Canceled it. Perhaps because our esteemed ex-president (and, did we mention, our reigning AARP long drive winner!?!?) is no longer on the town council? Perhaps because the rest of the town was sick of us winning every year/jealous of our unquestioned awesomeness? Is this is just pure speculation? (Sigh) Maybe next year...
In the meantime, here is a picture from a past parade: