2020-2021 BOWLING CHAMPIONSHIP

What do you get when you cross a few Toucans, an Owl, a Yardbird, a Raptor, an Emu (and some contraband)?

THE 2020-2021 COMMONWEALTH CLUB BOWLING CHAMPS!!!

The COVID Bowling season was an almost unfathomable success (especially when compared to literally everything else COVID related). Solid attendance (check). Bowlers paying their fees (check). ZERO outbreaks (check). An exciting playoffs (check). Someone forced to take an extended bowling hiatus midway through the season (but allowed to return for the playoffs... #shots) because his wife started whining about such trivial items like “I’m in the 3^rd trimester” and “I’m worried about the health of your infant son” (check... please). Luckily, we have a vaccine now, and the official Commonwealth Club policy* is “get your shot or GTFO!”

*Statement above in no way reflects any official policy of the Commonwealth Club (at least at the time of this writing. Stay tuned!)

After starting with a 13-week trial run through January, the captains of the makeshift league of daring vagabonds almost unanimously (the Wild Turkeys passed TF out and the Condors merged with the Herons, electing to hyphenate their name in a touching shout out to feminism rarely seen within our walls…) voted to extend the season through May. When May arrived, the previously established playoff format (which someone had spent an exorbitant amount of time on… but that same someone’s team wouldn’t have made the playoffs under the original format… conspiracy???) was unceremoniously thrown out in favor of an all-inclusive kinder-kickers-esque format where everybody makes the playoffs, rendering the entire regular season essentially useless… (or perhaps rendering it nothing more than a 26-week sandbagging session? So many conspiracy theories!). This inclusivity push (rumored to be clandestinely sponsored by AOC and Bernie Sanders) was spearheaded by The Eagles, though, when reached for comment, Joe Walsh’s publicist insisted that band had nothing to do with it and that Joe didn’t give a shit (despite the club being located in his hometown). As Doug Abell, who grew up with him, never said “He always was an obnoxious prick.” Some Septuagenarian tried to pin it on John Anderson, but seriously, how can someone in that age bracket get Yes and the Eagles confused? Early onset Alzheimer’s… SAD!

On the left side, the Eagles/Yes and their 55 regular season points quickly bowed out after securing their one bonus week of bowling, and the Loons either easily defeated or barely squeaked by the Gulls (nobody could be bothered to find out which). Meanwhile, on the right side, the clearly terrified Gamecocks tried a last-minute push to make the playoff rounds best of 5… then best of 7… then best of 9… then best of “whatever odd number it takes for us to win” … but their ploy was quickly shut down. Soon after, they were shut down. For the season. By the last place team. That shouldn't've even been there. That they were (again) quite clearly afraid of. With good reason.  Overall, the 1^st round was a bad one for male genitalia, as the Peckers (who finished 1-point ahead of the Hyphens, who also shouldn't've been there) joined the Cocks in having their seasons circumcised... err… cut short by the lower seeded team. On the other hand, the more feminine-themed teams — the Boobies, Condor-Herons, and Loons — all joined the team of misfits in advancing to the second round.

As the playoffs entered their mid-life stage, the Boobies sagged while the Loons went nuts, propelling the underdogs into the finals. After the Hyphens notched a decisive victory in game 1 despite Mikey Mutz's... umm… eclectic? (Yeah, let’s go with that)… playlist, it was looking beak (groan) for the T-Sams in game 2, until the Condor-Herons went ICE COLD over the last 2+ frames, snatching defeat from the jaws of near-certain victory. Though there was still a game left, the air had clearly left the Heron-Condor's sails (and not even Warren Zevon — granted, an interesting choice of motivational music — could get them going again), and the Sams, for the second straight week, rallied from losing the first game to score a decisive game three victory. There was some controversy as to whether the POBC had disqualified the winners after their scores email somehow managed to test positive for highly elevated levels of THC, but that snafu was quickly cleared up with a well placed bribe.

There was some brief consideration regarding broadcasting the finals over the internet via Zoom, but it was quickly realized how fantastically bad of an idea that was on every conceivable level, and the plan was promptly scrapped. In said finals, Rick Montalto needed to convert a 3-6-10 spare to win game one for the Loons, but he picked the 3-pin clean (then immediately proceeded to resign from the board of trustees, threw his name in the presidential hat, and took control of the club... possibly in an effort to rewrite the history books?), and a thoroughly mediocre game across the board went to the Fruit Loops. The Fruits played a bit crappier in their second game, but the Loons played a LOT crappier, and a team that wouldn’t’ve been there if not for some 11th hour assistance from some 70’s front-man had won it all... on the strength of a series of well times hoots and hollers that were in NO way shape or form meant to mock any other team’s antics. True Story.

It was universally agreed that, since this was an exceptional season, that the champs weren’t eligible for a traditional bowling prize. Instead, a mural of tasteful nudes of each of their eight participants has been commissioned for the far wall of the alley, with the plant of their choice subtly covering up their nether regions. McMahon is going with a 4-leaf clover, Avi a pomegranate, Craig a tobacco leaf, Tripp a fig leaf, Boh some hops, Rick some Caesar grapes, Weill some ivy, and guess what plant Cosgrove picked? All in all this season was more than we ever could've hoped for when we decided to give it a go in September, but we're really looking forward to being back to a semblance of normal come the fall...

But if you can't wait all the way until September to scratch your year+ long itch... there's Summer Bowling!!!